Buy two hugs for $60 now and the second one is FREE

    Have we suddenly landed in a bizarro earth where human contact requires payment? 

It's the only explanation I have for people who put up "free hugs" signs or wear "free hugs" t-shirts.

I'll make an exception for poor Mr. Voldemort here.

 Since when has a free hug been a rare and elusive concept that society tracks down like a space bounty hunter locating illegal spice traders?  Or at least the concept of a "free hug" sounds exactly like that. Come on people.  It's a hug. It's common.  I'd understand if you love hugging people but say "I love hugging people" not "free hugs".

     I'll be fair, why, yes... you \would in fact NEED to try and fit more text on a flat surface, but is that such a difficult task? Besides, why in Cthulu's name would I want to hug some random stranger who could possibly have... ulterior motives. It reeks of desperation, like the only contact they can muster with society is performed by announcing their desire to hug people. Perhaps they're parasitic life forms feeding off of people's life forces. Maybe they're poorly trained Russian spies trying to plant bugs on US citizens. Or maybe just maybe... I'm waaaaaaay over-thinking this and they're actually just socially awkward men with low self-esteem trying to find love in the age of information. However I still think the most likely scenario is that they're all Russian spies.

Hey, it wants to hug me! that's totally inconspicuous...

             On the opposite, more sinister end, however there is quite a brilliant idea for those who are desperate enough for cash. Charging people for physical human contact.  Just set up a booth in whatever place contains a large amount of single lonely people (like Detroit, but with less gun violence), charge $5 for a small poke, maybe $10 for a friendly handshake, $20 for a warm hug, $50 for a kiss... and you'll be making bank in no time. It's like prostitution but without the STD s and other added job risks.  Also, it's legal... I think.  Might want to check into that.  I'm not sure if charging money for body contact is part of the constitution.  It's an important issue, I'm surprised it hasn't been brought up in any debates during this election year. Anyway,  it's a brilliant idea. In fact if any anyone would like to co-sponsor my new business venture just give me a call. If I don't receive any calls, I'll likely become one of those single lonely people holding up "free hugs signs". So please don't turn me into a hypocrite...

You're turning me into a hypocrite, aren't you people?

godamn it...

As you can see, I have recently been suffering from enlarged cranium disease

The "Republicans" want your voting rights.

      The truth of the matter right now is, the Republicans, Conservatives whatever you choose to call them are scared.  They know Mitt Romney is a weak candidate and they fear he won't win the election.  Meanwhile they've been waging a war on essentially every form of minority in the country, and single women.   Basically anyone who's not a rich old white man has been under attack by the Republican party.  In fact before this convention the party its self urged its members to vote for Romney and gather all of their support for him.  To be honest, I've never seen a political party so stupendously desperate before.  So like I said, the Republican party is shitting their pants right now because they know they have an extremely weak candidate. 

        So, what have they been doing to compensate for it?  Taking away voter rights of course.  Tea Party governors across the nation have been introducing voter bills that make voting significantly more difficult for certain sections of the population. Voters without ready to access to computers, drivers licenses, cars..  basically the kind of people that they've been planning to screw over.  Poor people. They know they take up a significant population of their state, so they limit their freedoms rather than actually do the right thing and serving the people they were elected to protect. They're doing a good job of it too, covering it up by preventing voter fraud, a supposedly devastating practice committed in this country. A practice that in reality was only committed by 87 people... nationwide. 87 people obviously aren't going to be the deciding factor in a nation of more than 10 million people (I don't know the actual statistic on that, but I know it's at least that much).
   
         Voting is a fundamental right. It's what this country was built on. The founding fathers were brilliant men and it's amazing what these politicians have done to fuck up their vision. Honestly, this concerns me more than anything else in the election year. The Tea Party and their corporate sponsors are quickly beginning to grip this nation with an iron fist and the general population is too blind and ignorant to see it. They've bought the news, they're buying elections, they're twisting laws around to regulate the way we live our lives. I'm not saying the democrats on my side are perfect angels either. Hell, the bullshit issues some of the people on my side pull out to try and distract from larger issues (the whole Chick-fil-a "scandal" being one) are contributing to the plague of stupidity devastating our nation. But unlike the Tea Party republican tactics, I don't see any thing sinister about it. The Tea party on the over hand is bringing up issues that we resolved a long time ago.  Before this election, 98% of women took contraceptives, and now we're questioning their use?  These guys are practicing Stalinism, and just like Stalin they're brainwashing anyone who disagrees with their policies to be enemies of "progress" enemies who go against their mindless patriotism.  I know not all Republicans are bad people, I recognize that.  But the ones that are have currently hijacked the party and they won't stop until they hijack the entire country with them.

    To be fair, the democrats in congress appear to simply be giving up altogether. They're stepping aside and letting "conservatives" play the show as they've been doing for the past few years. They've become cowards.  Cowards too fearful for what they stand for.  They're too powerless to stop the onslaught of Corporations hoping to turn this shattered nation into a true to form dystopia.  We need to stop them, we need to stop them now.  What the Tea Party philosophy is doing to this country is quite unprecedented, and it may be hard to believe.  It's not a conspiracy though, the signs are glaringly obvious.  Mitt Romney is their pawn in a massive game of political chess.  And if you vote for him, things are only going to get worse.

      

Despite all my rage I am still just Nicholas Cage

Sometimes it seems like Nick Cage has been in every move ever made.  While that's not entirely true here's what would happen, if he was in just about every movie ever made...

Now why stop at that, what if Nick Cage begins invading the world of music...

Or the art world...

Twilight Zone rejected episodes #1: The car that could never park

After being in a bit of a... mental slump... I'm back like Rocky getting ready to take down a soviet guy with an unconvincing accent.

This is a new bit I plan on doing every... Monday where I come up with  terrible Twilight Zone premises that wouldn't even be looked at by NBC (I know, I'm only the 7 billionth person to come up with a joke directed at NBC)
Cue intro:

     You're about to enter somewhere, a place where weird shit happens.  We don't really have an explanation for it, but this place... you can hear things and see things.  No, we're not talking about LSD or comment threads discussing marijuana.  This is the Twilight Zone and we're going to crush your mind with our superior intellect in... the Twilight Zone. (Dramatic music cue)

    The plot revolves around an Everyman named Jim jim Johnson. Jim Jim Johnson wants to perform a simple everyday errand, go to the bank and cash a check. He drives a normal average suburban car. However when he arrives at the bank every spot is filled, every single spot. He asks a female officer walking near him about it. She replies "You're more likely to find a parking spot in San Fransisco" Jim continues to drive around searching for a parking spot, until his dull average mind realizes it's been an entire week since he first tried to find a parking spot.

          
       None of the cars in the lots surrounding the bank have moved for an entire week, and Jim is growing dehydrated and crippled by starvation, because you know, an entire week without food or water does that to people. He finds a local drive-through that has mysteriously appeared by him for no reason other than to advance the plot, because it's the Twilight Zone, weird shit happens. Jim notices that all of the employees are female in this fast food restaurant. Jim begins to grow rather suspicious of this revelation, but doesn't care because he has a typical male mind and is rather fond of attractive women.

   Jim hasn't listened to anything but talk radio for the entire week and is growing rather bored of the radical speeches given by extreme feminist talking heads. So Jim switches the dial away from station XY 180, but soon realizes every radio station plays, Adele, Abba, Nicki Minaj, Carly Simon, etc. Chick music. Jim begins freaking out when he decides to drive to the local drive in movie theater, which he conveniently has located near him because he can't park, and the plot says so. The only movies playing are chick flicks starring Jennifer Aniston and Meg Ryan. Jim flips out by getting out of his car and flashing his man parts to the entire city, strolling around with his pants off. He's arrested, by two female officers and discovers that he's been transported to a timeline where being a man is illegal, all women are lesbians.  They reproduce through some scietific thing. Jim is then thrown in a cell with a group of old Deadheads high on LSD and spends eternity having people think he's a space alien. Jim must now be made to suffer for not being interesting in any way at all, in... The Twilight Zone.  Oh and apparently alternate dimensions ruled by Amazonian societies are really hard to find parking spots in, go figure.

First time seeing Shutter Island

So I saw shutter Island, it was interesting weird and hallucinagenic... very hallucinagenic. I tried writing a review but my attempts were futile. So here are my reactions while viewing this trippy mind-bending thriller. I find it difficult to find the exact words to describe portions of this film, but pictures speak louder than words regardless. Good movie, but as these recreations of my facial expressions while watching it shall indicate, it's weiiiiird.

I hope that review was thorough enough.

The Sci-fi (syfy) channel doesn't like nerds anymore

      "There's nowhere where there's no Star Wars "

- Person from Collection Intervention commercial

When your girlfriend forces you to get rid of your precious
collection, take note of this rage comic...

The Sci-fi channel (I'm not calling it SYFY, jackasses!) apparently wants us to not be jealous of the awesomely nerdy collections that accumulate in the homes of awesomely nerdy nerds. They call this show Collection Inervention, and from what I can tell by the ads each episode is a mini-tragedy. They force men to give up their precious incredible life-time devoted collections of awesome shit to please their wives and girlfriends. There isn't anything mentally wrong with them, they just love their collection of action figures and whatnot. They're not kleptomaniacs, this is stuff that took ages to find and track down. Then because one female walks in who doesn't like Star Wars or StarTrek, and doesn't feel that same passion regarding whatever area of pop-culture said nerd is into, they have to give it all up?! Bullshit! They need to Break up with that chick and find someone who shares the same love of... whatever aspect of geek culture they're into. Never give up your identity as a geek just because society indicates that decorating your house with Stormtroopers and wookies is apparently dumb and immature.
         
      We live in a time where nerds are no longer the hipsters they once were. This is an era where Hollywood is making movies about superheroes people never even knew existed before. An era where a Star Trek movie of all things grosses a huge amount of money. A time when wearing that Battlestar Galactica t-shirt you keep in a droor is considered cool now. Why is is then that decorating one's house with said stuff is still a no-no. Now we have the sci-fi channel, who once aired such thought provoking and intelligent shows as the previously mentioned Battlestar Galactica, and Stargate SG1 telling us to throw away our nerdiness because it clashes with the bland mainstream taste of some chick who's forceing you to change who you are. I don't care if suddenly the attractive and somewhat attractive female unions decide to boycott me because I like displaying my love of geek culture in whatever way I feel like it. I will stand up here today against what suburban ideology dictates us to do.

I want it all... I want it all... I want it all
and i want it now!

      In the ads, what I presume is the host of the show, states when going into someone's house; "There's nowhere where there's no Star Wars". I can think of at least 10 people off the top of my head who would kill to have a collection like they showed. The Sci-fi channel already turned their back on the fanbase they were originally appealing to by not giving us a unique innovative space saga since Stargate Universe went off the air. Now they're focusing on reality shows about ghosts and hunting Bigfoot. That's not what sci-fi fans want to see more of. They even changed their name to SyFy to further dumb down the intellect of their programs. And now with this Collection Intervention show they're launching a direct attack on the nerds that once flocked to their channel, I for one cannot stand for this! Until Syfy (groan, that name makes me cringe every time I see it) puts on another noteworthy sci-fi epic... I won't be happy.

Still not as bad as the new "History" channel line-up...

I'm sorry, I thought this was TV for guys who like History
You know... on the History channel.

In memorium: My long curly hair 2008-2012

Tomorrow I will begin a new stage of my life,

    not college, not marriage, but my hair. 

 I've had the same hair style since 8th grade. It's been a part of who I am. That kid with the long dirtyblonde curls. Even in my worst moments, my signature hair has awlways been there to remind of who I truly am. I remember staring at pictures of Jim Morrison, one of my idols from a bygone era. I could brag that I had his hair, I had Jim Morrison's hair. The way it elegantly drifted from my cranium, an extension of my inner being. You've always been, there rain and shine. Combed back, combed forward, stuffed into a spock wig. Good bye teenage hair. Goodbye teenage self. My hair will be short and blue now. No longer will I be mistaken for a girl in San Francisco. I'll miss you, but tomorrow shall be a new dawn, a glorious blue dawn. None of this would have ever happened without you curly hair, none of it. You were a true hero guiding the path for men with untameable long hair everywhere. Farewell!... Farewell!

 Oh dead skin cells protruding from my scalp
How I adored you, so warm, so soft
 I loved you always, despite falling in my mouth
Large, smooth, like the breasts of Lara Croft
 but not the sequels, that really sucked
The original tomb raider, now a classic
 My brains were arguable, body never buffed
 But my hair was consistent, wild and spastic

 in the best of days, in the worst of days
My hair was there, never changing ways.

 Am I seriously crying over hair?! Jesus!